Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Our Wave Community

Question 1

What are ways families can encourage their loved ones to report gender-based violence?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for asking this question. The first thing we want to emphasize is that whether or not your loved one chooses to report their gender-based violence experience is ultimately up to them. It is essential to respect their autonomy, recognizing that forcing them to report may enhance their distress. Supporting survivors in their decision-making, providing non-coercive assistance, and fostering environments of trust and empowerment are vital to ensure you continue to be a supportive healing presence that they know they can turn to going forward.

Survivors of gender-based violence may choose not to report their experiences for a variety of reasons, including but not limited to having fears of retaliation, concerns about privacy, mistrust in the legal system, experiences of societal stigma, or fears of potential re-traumatization during legal proceedings. To learn more about why some survivors may not want to report, see this response we provided to a similar question.

If you want to support their decision-making, while encouraging them about the benefits of reporting, fostering open communication is crucial. Initiating conversations about consent, healthy relationships, and the importance of bodily autonomy can create a foundation for survivors to feel heard and supported. You may also want to explore with them why they do not want to report. If it seems to be related to feelings of shame or self-blame, encouraging them to understand that the responsibility lies with the perpetrator and not themselves can be instrumental. Providing information on available support services, both within and outside the formal reporting system, allows survivors to make informed decisions about their healing journey. Additionally, respecting their pace and choices while expressing your ongoing support underscores the importance of their agency in the recovery process.

You also may want to consider educating yourself on the reporting process, dynamics of gender-based violence, available support services, and the legal implications of reporting. This information can help you understand the intricacies of the criminal-legal system, why survivors may not want to report, and alternative pathways to justice and healing. Being armed with information can be helpful as the loved one in your life considers their options and what they want to do for next steps. This information should not be forced upon them, but can be provided to them if they feel they need additional information to inform their decision. Again, your job is to present accurate information, not to try to persuade them to make a decision they are not ready to make.

No matter what the survivor in your life decides, be sure to respond with non-judgmental support. Responding empathetically to survivors, avoiding victim-blaming, and acknowledging the difficulty of reporting can create a supportive environment for them to heal within. Even if they do not choose to report, you can still encourage them to connect with other potential healing-focused resources. Respect their autonomy and listen to the rationale behind their decision-making. No matter what they choose to do, continue to be a resource to them, even if you do not agree with the decision they are making, because ultimately, the choice is theirs to make.

Supporting loved ones who experienced gender-based violence is hard. Violence can cause ripple effects within families and communities. Make sure you are also receiving the support you need from those around you as you make sense of what happened to your loved one. Take care of yourself so that you can emotionally "show up" for the loved one healing in your life.

You are not alone. We appreciate your efforts to support your loved one during this challenging time. We are here for you.

Question 2

Why is it so common for people to blame sexual violence survivors for their experiences?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. Blaming sexual violence survivors for their experiences is unfortunately a pervasive issue deeply rooted in our societal attitudes and common misconceptions about sexual assault. If you have been blamed for your experiences, know you are not alone. Experiencing sexual harm is never your fault.

As Barack Obama, former president of the United States said, "For anybody whose once normal everyday life was suddenly shattered by an act of sexual violence– the trauma, the terror, can shatter you long after one horrible attack. It lingers. You don’t know where to go or who to turn to…and people are more suspicious of what you were wearing or what you were drinking, as if it’s your fault, not the fault of the person who assaulted you…We still don’t condemn sexual assault as loudly as we should. We make excuses, we look the other way…[Laws] won’t be enough unless we change the culture that allows assault to happen in the first place."

There are several factors that can help us make sense of where the societal blaming of survivors come from. Firstly, there exists a prevalent victim-blaming mentality in our society where individuals may believe that survivors somehow brought the assault upon themselves by their behavior, appearance, or actions. This flawed belief shifts the responsibility away from the perpetrator and onto the survivor, perpetuating harmful stereotypes, survivor shame, and minimizing the gravity of the assault experience. No matter what you were wearing, how intoxicated you were, or how your sexual boundaries with the person who harmed you shifted over time...you always have the right to have your wishes respected.

Additionally, rape myths and misconceptions about sexual violence are widespread, further perpetuating victim-blaming attitudes. These myths often include false, gendered beliefs such as "she asked for it" or "he couldn't control himself," which serve to justify or excuse the behavior of the perpetrator while placing undue scrutiny and judgment on the survivor. Furthermore, societal attitudes influenced by sexism, misogyny, and patriarchal norms may contribute to victim-blaming behaviors by devaluing the experiences and voices of survivors, particularly women and marginalized individuals.

The criminal justice system and media portrayal of sexual violence cases can also reinforce victim-blaming narratives, further exacerbating the problem. Survivors may face skepticism, disbelief, or harsh scrutiny when reporting their experiences, discouraging them from seeking support or justice. This societal response can compound the trauma experienced by survivors, leading to feelings of shame, self-blame, and isolation.

To combat victim-blaming attitudes, it is essential to challenge and debunk rape myths. Encouraging responsible and sensitive reporting on sexual violence cases, highlighting survivor resilience and strength, and challenging harmful stereotypes can contribute to shifting cultural narratives away from victim-blaming and towards empathy, solidarity, and support for survivors. In addition, empowering survivors to share their own stories and amplifying their voices is another critical step towards creating a more supportive and understanding society for survivors of sexual violence.

While we work towards systemic change, providing trauma-informed care and support services for survivors, including access to counseling, advocacy, and legal assistance, can help mitigate the harmful effects of victim-blaming attitudes.We must also implement comprehensive education and awareness programs that promote empathy, understanding, and respect for survivors. This includes integrating discussions about consent, healthy relationships, and bystander intervention into school curricula and community outreach initiatives. Additionally, fostering a culture of accountability where those who cause sexual harm are held responsible for their actions and survivors are supported in seeking justice and healing is crucial.

If you are an ally and hear someone blaming a survivor or perpetuating rape myths, step up and debunk these myths if you feel safe to do so. You never know who is a survivor in your life that may be listening. Hearing you speak up on a survivor's behalf may indicate to them that you are a safe person for them to go to.

Thank you again for this important question. Together we can create a wave of change.

Question 3

How can I cope with the fact there are parts of my trauma and abuse I will never understand, know, or remember?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for asking this question. Many survivors navigate complex emotions, uncertainties, and gaps in their memories as they embark on their paths towards healing. This can be challenging to cope with, particularly when the effects of this trauma start to impact your daily life.

Our mind has incredible ways of protecting us from overwhelming experiences. Because of this, some aspects of trauma may be stored in areas of our subconscious as a coping mechanism. We might also intentionally suppress these experiences due to the emotions they bring up which may be beyond we can emotionally handle at that time. This is a protective mechanism and unfortuntately means your body is working the way it was designed to. Acknowledging this complexity is the first step toward embracing the unknowns without self-blame.

Despite us not always remembering the details of our trauma, our body often does remember. That could explain why despite details being foggy, you may begin to notice the impact of the trauma you experienced on your functioning and wellbeing. Engaging in therapy with a trained trauma-informed professional can provide a safe space to explore and make sense of our traumatic experiences. A skilled therapist can help uncover buried emotions and facilitate a deeper understanding of the impact of trauma on our lives. This journey may not necessarily lead to full recollection of the memories lost, but it can foster compassionate understanding and empower us to navigate life beyond the abuse we’ve experienced.

While it's natural to seek answers about the past, focusing on our present well-being is equally vital. Establishing strong support networks, practicing self-care, exploring the world with curiosity to find new things you enjoy, and engaging in activities that bring you calmness and peace can contribute to a strong foundation to support your healing. By nurturing our current selves, we empower the survivor within to face the unknowns with strength and grace.

Self-compassion is a powerful tool in the healing process. Understand that not remembering or fully understanding certain aspects of your trauma does not diminish the validity of your experience. Be gentle with yourself and allow the healing journey to unfold at its own pace. You deserve patience and kindness as you navigate the complexities of your unique path.

Acceptance is a courageous act. Embracing the fact that there may be unknowns in your trauma narrative is not a sign of weakness but a testament to your strength and journey towards self-understanding. Your journey is valid, regardless of the parts that remain unclear. Healing is an ongoing process, and every step you take is a triumph.

Coping with the unknowns of trauma recovery involves embracing the complexity of the human mind, seeking support as needed, focusing on present well-being, and ultimately accepting and practicing self-compassion on this journey. Remember, you are not alone, and your healing is a unique and powerful narrative in itself.

Question 4

Can I even call myself a survivor if it only happened a week ago? I'm not even over it.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. Yes, you can absolutely call yourself a survivor if that feels right for you. Whether what you experienced happened today, a month ago, a year ago, or 30 years ago-- you still survived the trauma and violence of your past. It is also okay if you do not feel like a survivor right now. Some people prefer to call themselves victims or other labels. Whatever label you choose, recognize how you define your experience is up to you, and that may change overtime.

By labeling your experience in some way, many have shared that it has helped them acknowledge and accept that a traumatic event has occurred and that it has affected them. This sometimes has helped survivors gain a sense of control over their situation by learning about the trauma and its effects, and has helped them find resources to cope and move forward with hope. You do not need to be "over it" to define yourself as a survivor. Heck, most people will never "get over" what happened to them. It was wrong, harmful, and traumatic. While the memories may get less painful with time and effort, our traumas will often always be a part of us.

Keep in mind that everyone's journey is unique and it may take time to find a label that works best for you. It is important to be patient with yourself and to not compare the labels you choose to others. Remember no matter what you label yourself, your traumatic experience does not need to define who you are. For many, healing means recognizing that the trauma they experienced is an importnat part of who they are, but not all of who they are.

Thank you for this question. We wish you did not need to go through what you experienced. You are not alone and healing is possible.

Question 5

How do I continue to heal while attempting to build a new relationship? How do I break old habits of dependency or fear of my partner?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for asking this question. We are proud of you for prioritzing your healing while building new relationships.

Healing while building a new relationship requires self-awareness, patience, and open communication with your partner. To start, honor your feelings. It is okay to slowly build trust and have the people in your life earn it. Be kind and patient with yourself.

Healing is an active process. To focus on it, prioritize things that encourage you to care for yourself, whether it's your physical, emotional, or mental wellbeing. Be your own scientist. Experiment with activities both alone and even with your new partner that make you feel grounded, capable, joyful, and safe. Also, make sure you are attending to your basic needs. This includes incorporating movement into your life, eating nourishing foods, and getting enough rest. Taking care of yourself will contribute to your overall healing and provide a solid foundation for your new relationship.

Breaking old habits of dependency or fear in a new relationship can be tricky. It can be a helpful starting point to reflect on the old habits that you want to break and try to understand triggers or patterns. You can do this through journaling, talking to a mental health provider, or talking to a trusted loved one. Take note of situations or behaviors that make you feel dependent or fearful in relationships. Also take note of situations that trigger you and create strategies to manage these triggers. Over time, you may decide to include your partner in some of these strategies to the extent that you both feel comfortable.

Next, open and honest communication with your partner is essential. Share your experiences and feelings at a pace that feels comfortable for you. Giving context for the fear you have within a relationship may give them more confidence to support you. Even a simple disclosure that "someone in the past harmed [you] causing [you] to want to take things slow" can help your new partner learn your needs and more about who you are. If your partner is not willing to respect your needs, that may be a sign that they might not be the appropriate person for you at this time. Although another person can't complete the healing process for you, they can certainly encourage and assure you along the way.

With this new relationship, move at a pace that feels comfortable for you. Listen to your intuition and communicate your needs and boundaries to your partner. This includes physical, emotional, and sexual boundaries (if you want to learn more about what to do if a partner pushes your boundaries in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, read this FAQ). Allow trust to develop naturally as you get to know your partner better. Look for consistent behavior, empathy, and respect from them. Trust is built through actions and time.

Remember, you are WORTHY of love and respect. Sometimes you may not be your "best" self in your relationship, and that is okay. Breaking old habits takes time and effort, but it is possible. Be patient with yourself, be accountable for your actions when appropriate, and allow yourself to make mistakes. Surround yourself with supportive individuals who uplift and encourage you. You deserve a healthy and loving relationship external from your trauma.

Question 6

I find getting after care counseling from trauma-informed counselors very difficult in my state. Do you have any advice?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for reaching out to us. Finding trauma-informed counselors can be quite difficult depending on the state you live in, but they are out there. It can be a frustrating process, but you deserve to receive the support you need. Here are some tips we have found helpful when navigating this often challenging infrastructure.

To find a trauma-informed therapist or counselor in your state, consider utilizing online directories such as Psychology Today or GoodTherapy, which allow you to filter search results based on location and specialty areas. You can also consult with your primary care physician or reach out to local mental health organizations, domestic violence shelters, or rape crisis centers for recommendations and referrals. This can help reduce some of the anxiety of trying to find someone on your own. Additionally, contacting your insurance provider to inquire about covered mental health services and professionals specializing in trauma-informed care can help you identify suitable options within your network.

Selecting the right counselor or therapist requires a lot of patience, as you may not be connected to the person that is right for you the first time. Trust your gut and your instincts. To find a counselor that is right for you, begin by identifying your specific needs and preferences, considering factors such as the therapist's specialization, approach to treatment, and experience with the issues you want to address. Additionally, evaluating the therapist's qualifications, credentials, and licensing can provide assurance of their professional expertise and ethical standards. Once you find someone that looks promising, schedule an initial consultation or phone call to gauge your comfort level and assess the therapist's communication style and overall demeanor. Remember to prioritize your comfort and trust when selecting a counselor or therapist. The right counselor is out there for you. Don't give up.

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Topics

What are ways families can encourage their loved ones to report gender-based violence?

Why is it so common for people to blame sexual violence survivors for their experiences?

How can I cope with the fact there are parts of my trauma and abuse I will never understand, know, or remember?

Can I even call myself a survivor if it only happened a week ago? I'm not even over it.

How do I continue to heal while attempting to build a new relationship? How do I break old habits of dependency or fear of my partner?

I find getting after care counseling from trauma-informed counselors very difficult in my state. Do you have any advice?

What are ways families can encourage their loved ones to report gender-based violence?

Can I even call myself a survivor if it only happened a week ago? I'm not even over it.

Why is it so common for people to blame sexual violence survivors for their experiences?

How do I continue to heal while attempting to build a new relationship? How do I break old habits of dependency or fear of my partner?

How can I cope with the fact there are parts of my trauma and abuse I will never understand, know, or remember?

I find getting after care counseling from trauma-informed counselors very difficult in my state. Do you have any advice?

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